Eventually, I will run out of episodes to watch. This day in the near future haunts me. I don't want to be left alone with my thoughts.

     It's been a rough couple of weeks. 11 days ago would have been my mom's 65th birthday. The family got together at our favorite Chinese restaurant like we tend to do for family gatherings. Dad was obviously drunk and could barely say what he felt he needed to say to the family, a slurred, depressing, toast to mom and thanks for everyone coming. We all knew dad had been drinking more since mom's passing. We just didn't know how much. This past week, I went to check on him and it was bad. Total shit. He couldn't walk down the hall without bouncing off each side. What the hell?! Dad has not been a lifetime drinker, just a slightly above social drinking. Since he is anti-social, it's hard to tell what his level of above social drinking really was. He'd usually have a beer in the fridge but nothing crazy.

     I got him to tell me the truth. He's been knocking out about a liter of bourbon a day. Every day since last summer when our CO trip went to shit because of my dumb-ass sister. On top of this, he's been on Ambien for more than 2 years. A drug that is highly addictive after about 2 weeks and causes blackouts with sleep actions when mixed with a small amount of alcohol. He's not sure what he was doing at night but he'd wake up with bruises from falling.

     I have never had this kind of relationship with my dad, one where I was having to be the parent. This is a guy that usually has his stuff together, for the most part. I took the Ambien away that night and suggested he try to take his melatonin to sleep. The next two days I got call after call for me to bring it back. "I have to have it!" "You just need to bring it back to me." Holy shit, my dad is an addict!

     I find it amazing how difficult it is to find help for an addict in this city. I called his primary care doctor and never got a call back. I called the START program for the hospital group that his primary care doc works at. They wanted to set an appointment for sometime next week to do an evaluation.They said, "We don't want you to take him in through the ER, we need to do an evaluation."  I said "No, he needs help tonight." I was not going to take him back to his house. I called the VA since he is a veteran. They said since he's never used the VA system before, he needed to go through an eligibility office before he could even go to the ER. At the eligibility office, we sat for about an hour before they called for patient # E314. We were #E338. This was a total waste of time. Luckily, we have a friend that works at the VA and he told us to just go straight to the ER and they would do his eligibility there. Great! After a quick 5 minute info discussion, we were told he is not eligible. They did have a great case manager though that said to ignore what his hospital group had said and just take him straight to the ER at the hospital - now.

    We drove a mile down the street to his hospital and they got him in right away. Why was this so damn hard. It took a couple of hours for insurance info to come through but he was being cared for in the mean time instead of running around. We finally got him checked into detox at 4:30 pm after starting our mission at 8AM. He's been there 2 days now. I have talked to him and he is already getting clearer.

I felt really guilty coming home after that long day and just wanting a beer and to crash on the couch. I did not indulge.

I watched another episode.

I ask an important question tonight? Why is mental health so hard to talk about? Even with our own friends and family? We just turn the tv so we don't have to think about what our internal voices are screaming to us, for one hour at a time, unless we are binging, then it can be for days, weeks or months at a time.

This is part of why I haven't been on here. So I am saying now. I have really been struggling with the loss of my mother a year and a half ago. My inner voice screams at the top of its lungs that it wants something else. I want to be somewhere other than where I am, and have for a very, very long time. I don't want to be here. I don't want to scare anyone with that last statement. These are not suicidal thoughts in any way. It is more of a caged animal needing to escape. I feel trapped and cornered. So I binge tv to escape my own thoughts. Game of Thrones has been great for this.

A big part of the trap is not hurting the ones you love when breaking down the walls. Even typing this tonight feels like a big betrayal. How do you tell your loved ones that you feel this way without them feeling betrayed. It's not them that is the problem. It is living in a place that I hate with every fiber of my being. I hate this fucking place. I hate the weather, I hate the city, I hate the suburbs, I hate the landscape, I hate the political stupidity of this state (which can be anywhere). But, I stay because it would crush the ones I care about for me to leave. I feel like I have been just buying my time until we can all move away, which is still years away. This is not fair to my wife. So we don't talk about it. We watch the next episode. I stay here for her and I do give her all I can. She knows I struggle with this.

Knowing that my mother died at the young age of 63 of cancer, makes me not want to wait any longer in life before I start doing what I want to do. Life is too short. Next episode. Stop thinking about it.

Where do you start? Does talking to a therapist help. I know what I want or need, I just choose to stuff it down because that is what has to happen for me to keep the family together. I don't even really want to talk to a therapist. I don't see how telling someone about the position I am in can make the reality any different. I am here, in a cage or I leave and hurt the family. Next season. Hulu is great!

So why is mental health so hard to talk about? Truth is, I will probably delete this post sometime soon. No one wants to hear a poor me story. I think I'll just go to bed.

Here is a picture. Keep sharing. One more step, one more step, one more step. Keep moving.

I have a few shows coming up. The show in Stillwater will be my first time with them. I'm looking forward to seeing some Cowboys and Cowgirls as they start school the following Monday! the Medicine Park festival was great last year. I'm looking forward to a better show this year! Live on the Plaza is always great! I'm also waiting to hear back on a couple of more applications for this fall.

July 13, 2018 - Live on the Plaza in the Plaza District OKC, OK
Aug 17-18, 2018 - Pop Up Art shops @ Prairie Arts Center Stillwater, OK
Oct 5-7, 2018 - Medicine Park Art Walk & Flute Fest, Medicine Park, OK
Oct 12, 2018 - Live on the Plaza in the Plaza District OKC, OK

Now showing in four new houses on the OKC Parade of Homes tour. These beautiful homes are built by Capital Homes in Yukon, OK. Each piece is printed as a very large 32" X 48" premium gallery canvas wrap. They, along with the beautiful new abodes they currently reside in are absolutely stunning in person. You can have your very own Special Edition Art Series Canvas print. Visit my shop and contact me for details.

You can now see more than 25 different Limited Edition Art Series images on my website. Each one is limited to just 50 16"X20" premium gallery canvas prints that come ready to hang and brighten up your day. These just pop right off the canvas and look better in person than on here. Actual artwork will not have text.

     In preparing for an upcoming art show next month, I was asked to make a 4 photo collage to go to the local art association newsletter. I had never made a collage before and I had a deadline of "NOW". I know one can be made in Photoshop or Lightroom but I needed something with a much shorter learning curve. After watching a few how to videos on YouTube, I decided to look online for an alternative. I found Collage Maker by BeFunky. I had a great collage spit out in under 5 minutes and that include hunting down my photo file on my computer.

The upcoming show is at the beautiful, new, micro EB Gallery in OKC on February 2nd from 6-9PM.